


To Be A Jedi

by AlienofDoom



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Short Drabbles, Snapshots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-05-08 01:23:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5478038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlienofDoom/pseuds/AlienofDoom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anakin is twelve when Obi-Wan begins to suspect that he'll never be the Jedi he wants to be. He's too emotional, he thinks, too quick to form attachments, too focused on the past.</p>
<p>Snapshots into Obi-Wan's head during Anakin's training.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Be A Jedi

**Author's Note:**

> Did you know that I'm actually Kathleen Kennedy? I own Star Wars. I just really like writing fanfic.  
> (Note: I am not Kathleen Kennedy. I do not own Star Wars.)

Anakin is twelve when Obi-Wan begins to suspect that he'll never be the Jedi he wants to be. He's too emotional, he thinks, too quick to form attachments, too focused on the past. He remembers Master Yoda telling the young boy brought before the Council that fear leads to the Dark Side, and at the time, Obi-Wan hadn't quite understood. Now he realises that it was the fear of loss that lead to anger at one's inability to dictate fate. That that anger when left to simmer could turn to hate. That the hate could only ever cause suffering to those one feared to lose.

But Anakin is only still a boy, he thinks, perhaps these things will change. Perhaps he still can yet become a great Jedi.

 

When Anakin is fifteen not much has changed. Obi-Wan often finds himself wondering what Master Qui-Gon would have done in certain situations. Would Qui-Gon have been so hard on Anakin for skipping training? Would he have complimented the boy more when he finally understood the essence of some long confounding issue?

Obi-Wan tries to shake these thoughts off; _Qui-Gon isn't here. I am. Anakin needs me to be the best that I can be._ And so Obi-Wan puts the question off again. After all, he thinks, Anakin is still but a Padawan, perhaps once the boy becomes a knight these things will change. Perhaps then he will become the Jedi he desires to be.

 

When Anakin is nineteen, he's sent off on his first mission by himself, and Obi-Wan can't help but be worried for the boy. The boy that he almost privately thinks of as his own family, the family he's never known, has this life of his own. True he thinks, Anakin is safe on Naboo at least while he traipses around searching out assassins, but he still worries about the boy.

Obi-Wan sees how Anakin looks at Padme, but he finds that he can't bring himself to admonish the behaviour. He sighs as he hopes that Padme will let him down easy, and that this phase will pass. Then perhaps he can be the Jedi he wants to be.

 

When Anakin is twenty, he's made a knight, and Obi-Wan has never felt more proud than he has in that moment. He knows that it is Anakin's accomplishment, that it was he alone who passed the trials, but he can't help but cheer silently in his heart while he delicately slices his padawan's braid and knights him before the Council in the oldest of the Jedi Ceremonies.

But still, somewhere deep inside he still is fearful. Anakin is now a Knight, and still things have not changed. If anything they've gotten worse. The emotions run deeper, the attachments are more numerous, but still he holds out hope. There is still a chance that things may change. That he can become the Jedi he should be.

 

It's only when Anakin is twenty-three that Obi-Wan fully accepts the truth. As he bares his soul to his fallen brother who lies, raging, next to the lake of fire, Obi-Wan finally admits it to himself _I was never the Jedi I should have been._

**Author's Note:**

> This was mostly came out of a rewatch of Revenge of the Sith where Obi-Wan shows actually a lot of emotion as he realises what Anakin's done (as he well should), but it's not really in keeping with the whole Jedi detachment thing, is it?


End file.
